


Five times Jack was gifted a rubber duck

by Sarah_M



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, Mild Sexual Content, Nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 09:16:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17916032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarah_M/pseuds/Sarah_M
Summary: ... including one time he really didn't mind.





	Five times Jack was gifted a rubber duck

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to samantha-carter-is-my-muse on Tumblr for [this gif set of Jack shaving](https://delicatelie89.tumblr.com/post/183016660462/samantha-carter-is-my-muse-jack-and-the-phone-in). Turns out I can make just about anything into a Sam/Jack reference—even a rubber ducky. 
> 
> You can also blame SophieHatter for this nonsense.

The whole stupid thing starts with Cassie.

It’s his birthday and someone passes this precious information onto the little girl. All Jack wanted was to take her to the park and maybe find some cake. He’s not really one for gifts, but she’s young and excited and he’s not about to disappoint her if he can help it.

The present is wrapped haphazardly with plain paper that she has decorated with paint and a lot of glitter that ends up over more of his body than he’s completely comfortable with. Janet was either being very clueless or very clever giving Cassie free rein of the sparkles. He suspects the latter.

Regardless, he opens his gift with an enthusiasm that kids love to see from grown-ups.

“Wow, this is great, thanks Cass,” he grins at her, completely unconvinced that a man in his forties really needs a rubber duck.

“Ernie on Sesame Street says rubber ducks are fun Jack, and you’re fun too, so I thought you’d like it.”

Well. That’s hard to argue with.

“Absolutely—I love it.”

“You can play with it in the bath,” she suggests with a smile.

“I sure will.”

He most certainly will not.

 

* * *

 

Teenage-Cassie has an excellent sense of humor, something Jack suspects she picked up from him somewhere along the way.

In the flurry of Christmas gifts that are passed around at Carter’s place, Teal’c hands him a small festively wrapped present.

There’s a lot of folded over and tangled up tape stuck in weird places. Jack can only assume that given the seriousness with which Teal’c gave it to him, that’s he’s the one who wrapped it. Teal’c seems strangely chuffed with his efforts, but handling the sticky tape dispenser obviously isn’t a skill he has mastered yet.

After a brief struggle with the overly complicated maze of tape, he manages to find a way to tare the paper enough to get inside.

If he’s honest, he wasn’t sure what to expect, but a yellow rubber duck certainly wasn’t anywhere near the top of the list.

“Cassandra Fraiser informed me that all human bathrooms require a ‘rubber ducky’, and that your previous one had been misplaced.”

Everyone in room gives Teal’c an odd look, except Jack. He’s watching Cassie, who is biting her cheek to try and smother the mother of all smiles.

“That’s… not entirely accurate. But thank you Teal’c.”

Jack waits until after dinner to let Teal’c know he’s been played.

 

* * *

 

Jonas’s ‘first Christmas on Earth’ means the Kelownan is pretty much smiling for all of December.

It’s not unusual, but Jonas is particularly eager one morning, headed towards Jack’s table in the commissary with Teal’c by his side.

Jonas keenly hands over a very neatly wrapped box, with Santa and reindeer patterns on the paper, finished off with a perfectly tied red bow.

“Merry Christmas, Colonel.” Jonas says, with a level of excitement that's reminiscent of a puppy.

“Why would you buy me present?”

There’s an ever so subtle quirk at the corner of Teal’c’s mouth. If Jack hadn’t known him this long, he might have missed it. He hesitates a moment before untying the bow and ripping open the paper.

“Teal’c made it clear that every Earth bathroom should have one of these, and that you’re very fond of this particular bath toy.”

“Did he now?”

“I bought one for me too.”

Ignoring the smile plastered on Jonas’s face, Jack looks at Teal’c, who seems unable to hold back an actual grin any longer.

Jack’s almost impressed, but clearly not as impressed as Teal’c is at his ability to carry on the joke.

Now he has three rubber ducks.

 

* * *

 

In hindsight, the first time he meets Vala, Jack thinks he really should have seen it coming.

However, Daniel had warned him that she was eccentric and unpredictable. So, it wasn’t until the bright pink gift bag, tied off with curling ribbon, was already open in his hands that he realized exactly what was happening.

Apparently, this ridiculous alien newbie hazing hasn’t lost its appeal for Teal’c, which he must still find quietly amusing. It’s not even Jack’s birthday—the joke doesn’t even warrant the excuse of an actual occasion anymore.

“Teal’c told me it was important that I get you this. There were lots of different ones available, but this one was the most exciting and the most expensive. I used Daniel’s credit card to pay for it,” she smiles brightly before adding, “It has sensual body oil inside it.”

The woman doesn’t even bat an eye during her delivery, like this particular rubber duck is a perfectly normal thing to buy someone.

Ernie probably didn’t have _this_ in mind when he wrote the song.

“Thank you. This is... a really disturbing gift from someone who I’ve only just met.”

Jack almost feels bad that Teal’c isn’t here to enjoy the moment.

 

* * *

 

The Pentagon hours still don’t really suit him, and it's late by the time Jack gets home. He’s tried and cranky about being held up, especially when he has better things to do tonight. Despite his mood when he walks through the door, the sound of running water coming from the bathroom has him instantly grinning.

He finds Carter, his favorite person both on and off the planet, naked in his bathtub. After a long day this is the _perfect_ birthday present, and he loves her for it.

Leaning against the door frame, he takes in the sight of her. Her hair wet and tousled, no pesky bubbles in the way, just a gloriously nude Sam… and a solitary yellow rubber duck floating above places he’d prefer to be.

“I know you said no presents, but I saw this and I thought of you.”

Her sassy smirk is nothing short of sexy.

“I don’t hate it. I like what you’ve done with the delivery actually—taking away the unnecessary layers. Very minimalist.”

He should probably have started taking his clothes off by now.

“Are you just going to stand there or are you going to come in?”

“Will the duck be staying?”

“Sure, why not.”

“Kinky.”

She rolls her eyes at him, and he strips so fast that he almost trips over the pants caught up around his feet.

Of all the rubber ducks he’s been gifted over the years, this one is his favorite.

It’s also seen more bathtub action than any of the others have. 


End file.
